The following piece has been written by a currently-serving Peace Corps Volunteer. Mary Kate is a survivor of sexual violence. The incident happened during her service. The following was written by Mary Kate as a way to process and heal from the incident. We applaud her courage and tenacity. She also offers some solutions to issues that survivors face if they remain in-country.
TRIGGER WARNING - Please be aware that some of what Mary Kate writes may be triggering. Please read with caution.
If you are a survivor and would like to submit your story for posting on this blog, please email Casey at
August 17th 2011 marked the day I officially swore in as a Peace Corps
Volunteer in Peru. Now almost a year into my service has forced me to reflect
on what this year has been like for me. Truth is I am not a normal PCV. 1 month
into my service I was raped. It felt like such a normal day but it was my own
September 11th. I had spent the morning running errands doing
session planning; I was not supposed to do a lot of things that day. I had
called the PCMO that morning because my leg had swollen up because of mosquito
bites and the PCMO told me I should stay home. I however had classes and
meeting plans and was determined to prove myself to my new community.
I left the café after I was done with my planning said goodbye to a
fellow PCV without knowing that moments later my world would be changed. I got
into a motto taxi and a few minutes later I found myself fighting for my life.
I was in a horrible lonely trash dump not far from a prison and my pleas were
being ignored. I thought I would die, the more I fought the stronger his grasps
got and I stared at the far off sand dunes praying that this would not be it,
that this would not be the last thing I saw.
After I escaped I no longer had the normal concerns of a PC. I sat in
the police station worried about what this meant for my service, for me, how
would I tell my family? There are not many things that I remember about that
day. But I sat in the police station telling PC and telling the police every
detail of my attack, I remember it being the 3 most difficult and exhausting
days of my life. I would have to go back to the scene of the crime, I would
have to look at my attacker 3 different times to identifying and although PC
stood beside me I felt like the loneliest person on the planet.
I went home on med evac and returned to service 45 days later. I stayed
because of the support I received from staff at post and returning and
completing my service was important to me but it would not be easy. I chose to
prosecute and I was still waiting on a trial date, a month or so after I was at
my new site I began to struggle with nightmares, flashbacks, depression, and
feeling alone and in pain. It seemed like I had lost so much. There were days
when I was too afraid to leave my house and too afraid to reach out for help,
and I spent a lot of time being afraid of what people at my site would think of
me if they knew. I was not sure what I had to offer in many ways I just felt like “that girl” and
felt nothing but shame. I didn’t want to be feeling this way and I tried to
ignore it. I tried to ignore the fact that I had developed PTSD. I just wanted
to get back to me, the happy go lucky girl with a boisterous laughter. I just
wanted to laugh again.
Finally I was at the point of no return, I had hit rock bottom and
something needed to be done. I couldn’t complete my service feeling this way.
Finally after months and months of thought, late night conversations with the
Kellie Greene the Victims Advocate I knew I had commit to therapy, I had to be
honest with myself about the pain that I was in. I had been receiving calls
from a DC for support but I was really only doing it to satisfy others, to
prove to the outside world that I was a strong as the front I was putting on. I
thought if they knew, if they could see or feel the pain that I was really in
they would know I was a fraud. I was in a beautiful country doing all of the
things I had imagined but it didn’t matter. All I could focus on was the knots
in my stomach, and all of the anger that I had pint up inside.
I would leave site for more than a month to stay in Lima as the trial
date came closer and closer. I would become frustrated with the world around me
and found myself getting angry at the very people who had been such a support
to me. I was tired of putting my life on hold, I was tired of waiting, tired of
being patient, tired of putting my life and projects on hold time and time
again, tired of the walls I had built, tired of not feeling heard or understood
but more than anything tired of feeling so alone.
Peace Corps volunteers and people in my community had known what had
happened because my name and details of my assault had been printed and shown in
the media but I remained tight lipped on the subject and in many ways suffered
in silence even though those around me knew the cause of my suffering. I
remember clearly having to act like my life was normal. Planning for camps and
classes like there was no pending trial date looming over my head like a dark
cloud. I would have to return to the life that I left behind and would walk
back once more to the lonely and forgotten place where it happened. For the
first time in months I would have to remember every detail, every touch of my
assault. I could no longer deny that this has become a part of my service. The
time had come.
Truth is none of us knew what to expect I didn’t know how I would feel
how I would react. I sat in meetings with the prosecutor, a Peruvian social
worker, and an attorney all there to support me all who did a fantastic job but
I was desperately seeking answers and would have to be happy with hypothetical
situations. None of it felt real to me. My family could not attend the trial;
they could only support me from affair.
The Victims Advocate, my security officer, medical officer, and two
fellow PCVs were with me but it didn’t stop me from feeling alone and
afraid…but just before I walked into the courtroom me griping the hand of my
PCMO (who acted as my translator) something happened. I was not afraid and a
strange calm rushed over my body. I had nothing to fear. All I had to do was
speak the truth. The outcome didn’t seem that important anymore. It was my
chance to take back some of which was taken
There is nothing more unique than being a Peace Corps rape survivor. I
had met other survivors but who more than a PCV could understand the challenges
we face: faraway legal systems, magnified loneness and isolation, being away
from family in your greatest hour of need, and the unique form of mental health
support we receive because of limited in country resources volunteers receive
if they chose to return to service. Peace Corps has made some great progress
since the Volunteer Protection Act but there are many ways Peace Corps could increase their support to PCVs and
become a leader in women’s rights. Many of these are simple and would require
empowering the survivor and giving them a voice in the process from the
beginning and this means a voice that is stronger than the bureaucratic rules
of Peace Corps.
·
Strengthening
the privacy of PCVs who are victims of crimes among PCVs and PC staff both in
post and Peace Corps Washington. It is a well-known fact to any PCV that gossip
spreads around the PC community like fire. While most of the time it is
harmless. For survivors whether or not their case has been made public to the
media having there tragedy passed around like news can be very dehumanizing.
·
Providing
special support to Victims who are home on Med Evac, asking them what they need
and finding a way to provide it. Connecting them with a PC survivor support
network, and giving them a stronger voice in their choice to return or leave
service.
When I was on medevac the greatest and probably most helpful part of my
healing process was the PCVs I met who
could relate to what I was feeling what I was experiencing. I struggled during counseling because I was
never ready for it at the time but I could open up, cry, and get angry around
other survivors because I felt safe I felt understood. Group therapy rather
than individual therapy or at least a combination of the two would have meant
so much. PCVs are a community and we are use to relying on each other, no
matter how long we serve or where there is a very powerful connection that
should be utilized to help PCVs heal.
·
Communicating
and keeping PCVs informed during their medevac. Once a PCV accepts a Med Evac
the decision to return is not entirely their own. Keeping PCVs informed of
their progress and if and when they are returning to country. Sometimes med
evac becomes conterproactive because with any PCV who wishes to return this
creates added anxiety and pressure to say the right things during therapy and
the process becomes forced rather than helpful and I personally resented
therapy during med evac but did not feel like I had the right to refuse it if I
wanted to return to county.
To make Med Evac more helpful to the PCV give them the right to refuse
therapy. Some of us are not ready right away. I was removed from my support at
post and was still grieving that, I was grieving not being in Peru, I was grieving the fact that I was raped and
at times I felt the only place I was heard was in Kellie Greene office where I
was allowed to express my concerns without consequences. If the PCV is not open
to counseling respect that, give them time, no one can heal from this in the 45
day time line. It might require offering alternatives, it might require
providing a grace period so that they can adjust and be ready, and it might
involve allowing the PCV more than 45 days so that they do not become medically
separated. It requires being patient and understanding with the PCV and putting
the power back where it belongs with the volunteers.
We are what makes the Peace Corps
possible and need to be partners and have a voice in our treatment plan.
Sitting down with the PCV making them aware of their rights, the medevac
process but most importantly asking them what they want and give them the right
to say NO. Rape survivors already feel powerless and frustrated and some policy
and rules can unintentionally retruamtized the PCV instead of helping them
·
Providing
better mental health support to PCVs in country. PCVs are incredibly brave and intelligent but
we have challenges that the average survivors do not face. We live in isolated communities we speak
languages that are not our first, and are away from our families sometimes
unable to talk for months at a time. I have cell phone reception in site I am
lucky enough to receive 2 weekly counseling but even this presents limitations
in terms of what can be discussed. Making sure medical staffs are trained to
provide subsidized support specifically to sexual assault survivors and providing
increased training to the PSN network in regards to the needs of sexual assault
survivors whether it occurred during or before there Peace Corps service.
While
another PCV could not provide professional support PSN representatives should
have special training on what a rape survivor may face during their service,
and being able to use that knowledge to support the survivor. While some who
has never been raped could never fully understand that does not mean that their
own life experiences and hardships can help a PCV during his or her healing
process. Sometimes as survivors the one thing we can do to reduce our own sense
of isolation is to help those who couldn’t possibly understand.
·
Use of
technology: Because we don’t often get face to face contact with therapist
accept maybe in our country capital which often requires time out of site away
from projects and 12 hour plus bus rides finding more creative ways to provide
emotional support to PCVs. This could look like many things. One of the
websites that I have found helpful during my healing process is www.
Pandys.com which is a large survivor
support network that uses technology to help survivors heal. Survivors can
share their stories, connect with other survivors, find healing exercises, ect
. Using forums like Pandora’s Aquarium to connect PVCs around the world so
needed. As all survivor communities have specific needs creating a safe social
networking system that PCVs can use to help them before, during, and after
their service.
·
Providing
PCVs with self-help resources and materials. After I was assaulted I remember
craving materials I didn’t want to talk about it I just wanted to understand it
intellectualize it make it into something concrete. I wanted a manual I wanted
to know when this was going to be over, what were the steps, what the hell was
I supposed to do? Pandys also has a library of resources that is accessible
within the states but providing PCVs with access to these materials is even
more important because at some point we have to return to site and deal with
things the best way we can which is sometimes on our own but by providing these
materials even from afar PC can still be of support to PCVs.
·
Better on
going Safety and security training and SA: Since the passage of the Kate Busey
Volunteer protection act I have seen and tremendous efforts from my own post to
increase our safety and decrease our risks during service. We receive a great amount of training on this
during pre-service training and even at our Early in service training but it
needs to be on going and reiterated to PCVs once they get to site so that they
become aware of the risks in their specific sites. This can be done in several ways.
During monthly regional meetings let PCVs take the lead on their own
security risk and concerns. During ISTs
and Pre Service trainings PCVs are overload with information and the stress of
training but PCVs often listen and learn better from real PCV experiences. I
know of PCVs that because of my assault refuse to take motto taxis and take extra
precautions when traveling either in or out of site. I was not the first PCV to
get assaulted in a motto taxi and I had no knowledge of their dangers before I
got to my site where mottos taxis are the main form of transport. Had I been
made aware of this my assault may or may not have been prevented. Making PCVs aware of circumstances under
which incidents occur by still respecting confidentiality is very important but
I do feel that at times these things work better when they are volunteer led
with the support of PC staff.
·
Gender and
cultural conflicts: Peru is a bit of a match making culture. It is very common
for PCVs to have romantic relationships with Peruvians during their service. My
circumstances were unique in that I was raped by a stranger but most PCVs are
attacked by people they know and feel they can trust. In a culture that is
heavily entrenched in machismo inviting a man into your room extra might have
different implications than it may have in the states. But rather than putting
all of the responsibility on women to prevent rape and SA which has proven
ineffective. Teach PCVs how to have these conversations with their male
counterparts, and enomoradas. As females we are faced with specific challenges
we have to deal with the cat calls, maybe the creepy counterpart whose Latina
kiss on the check was not so checky. Rather than telling us that this is
something we should get use to empower us. Help us share our own culture.
Because unwanted sexual attention no mater how culturally acceptable it may be,
is never ok. Provide us with the tools we need so that it does not add to our
added sense of frustration and helplessness.
In essence, I fully believe that Peace Corps is committed to helping
volunteers in fact I would not be the same person had it not been for the
response I received from post. They have become instrumental in my healing
process from the beginning. All PCVs deserve that. They promised to always be there and they
have but it has been a process for the both of us. There are times when I get frustrated with
them, there are times when I feel like I am not being heard, but I also know
that they care and are dedicated to helping me complete my service so I have learned to communicate with them
instead of keeping it all inside, I have learned to become my own advocate and
tell people what I need from them without making apologies for it.All survivors
are unique and we can help others understand how to help us. So keeping open communication with your post
and not being afraid to be honest and put all of your worries concerns, ect is
freeing important and has been crucial to my healing because all post no matter
how responsive can always improve always do better.
I got nothing I expected out of my service, nothing I deserved. But because
of the passage of the Kate Puzey Act and the fight of PCVs before me. I have
been able to heal and get services and the legal help that I needed and because
of that my rapist is spending the next 28 years of his life in prison. I am 26.
That is one for every year of my life and two to grow on. and add my own voice
to the same fight for a better, stronger Peace Corps. I don’t think I would
have been able to do this without the men and women before me like the ones in
First Action Response who turned their pain and struggle into something
incredibly powerful and I would not be able to do this without the continued
support from PC staff. My message to other post is this you cannot always
prevent horrible things from happening but you can control your response.
Remember why Peace Corps exists…because of us.
Remember what it is we
sacrifice to be here and remember how powerful a compassionate and caring
response can do both for the volunteer and Peace Corps. And most importantly
remember how powerful a PCV can be in county and those who return home. We have
strength, skills,, and a dedication to the Peace Corps unlike any other
volunteer.
I leave you with links
that I have found helpful and with this poem from Robert Frost that has helped
me through my own process and be the voice behind my own story.
MY OWN PERSONAL BLOG
ABOUT MY SERVICE IN THE PEACE CORPS
VERY HELPFUL RESOURCES
FOR SURVIVORS
Chose Something like a
Star
O Star (the fairest one in
sight),
We grant your loftiness the right
To some obscurity of cloud --
It will not do to say of night,
Since dark is what brings out your light.
Some mystery becomes the proud.
But to be wholly taciturn
In your reserve is not allowed.
Say something to us we can
learn
By heart and when alone repeat.
Say something! And it says "I burn."
But say with what degree of heat.
Talk Fahrenheit, talk Centigrade.
Use language we can comprehend.
Tell us what elements you blend.
It gives us strangely little
aid,
But does tell something in the end.
And steadfast as Keats' Eremite,
Not even stooping from its sphere,
It asks a little of us here.
It asks of us a certain height,
So when at times the mob is swayed
To carry praise or blame too far,
We may choose something like a star
To stay our minds on and be staid.
Fuerza!
Mary
Kate
